Best Jokes

Female Comeback Lines

2006-07-28T18:04:00.000+01:00

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: Is your daddy a terrorist? Because, you're the bomb.
Woman: Actually he is, and I'm strapped now!

Quotes from stupid 01

2006-06-15T15:30:00.000+01:00

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

"The effects are fleeting and lingering..." - Overheard in a hallway

"In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted." - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse

"A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across." - Announcer on KZOK radio

"He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!" - CBS baseball announcer

"An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement." - Irish Politician on RTE radio

"This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation." - BBC world service.

"We have two incredibly credible witnesses here." - Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)

"He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet." - Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest sex scandal

Blonde in a boat.

2006-06-15T15:29:00.000+01:00

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”

Birdbrain

2006-06-15T15:28:00.000+01:00

In an attempt to thwart the spread of bird flu, President George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands. Turkey is next.

True story as told to me by a friend

2006-06-15T15:24:00.000+01:00

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well,the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all.

Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh sh!t.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

blond joke

2006-06-15T15:22:00.000+01:00

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to
NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " says the lawyer, "your turn".
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you, " and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Fun Times Ahead....

2006-05-29T13:29:00.000+01:00

At last! The Asperger social group in toronto is actually doing something I want to do! I posted it in my previous post! Centre Island on June 17th! The only thing that bothers me is we don't meet up until 1:00!! If I'm going somewhere like Centre Island, I'd like to get there EARLIER!!! Maybe I could arrange to meet them once they arrive on the other side. Yeah! That's what I'll do!!!

Also, June 26th is the CN Tower's 30th birthday. Mark and Janette want to go to that and this is the week between me being finished school and re-starting work at Kerry's place so We thought it would be fun to go there and join the festivities. I want to get some pictures of us on the glass floor for phoonatics

Janette and I had a great chat today. She was telling me about all the major accomplishments she managed to achieve yesterday. She got her hair cut and then she went to a GUN SHOP!! The lady told her she couldn't go in without a permit, but ended up letting her in anyway when she told her all she wanted was a pair of decent EARPLUGS!!! We both had to laugh because this sounds like something that would happen on a "King of the Hill" episode. I can just picture this sort of thing happening to Peggy or LuAnne!!

She also managed to get herself a CD Walkman at last! I'm very happy for her. We need these things to survive in our world nowadays! She also bought herself a KISS Greatest Hits CD!! We are going to have so much fun listening to music on the bus when we go on our next Niagara trip!! I had conveniently surpressed the memory of our horrid journey back to Toronto on the way from our 1996 trip!

This year the number one attraction on our list is that new Ferris wheel!! here's an interesting bit of trivia, in case you didn't know; the Ferris wheel was named after its inventor, George Washington Gale Ferris. I guess if I'd invented it, it would be the Franklin wheel. Or the Hurd wheel if I wasn't married yet. Then again, I didn't invent it. It was invented over a hundred years ago. Hmmm, what other inventions were named after their inventors?

Great, now I'm thinking about that Ivor Titsling song from the movie "Beaches". Would you wear a Titsling or wear a Brazierre?

Speaking of movies, I've seen a lot of great ones this weekend. Today "First Wives Club" and "The Princess Bride" have both been on. I have "First Wives Club" taped from when it was on TV a few years ago and I used to have the video of "The Princess Bride" but it was stolen from me either by Butthead or Josie. JOsie was living upstairs at Ruth's and I'm sure when her wonderful angelic little grandchildren were visiting she frequently "borrowed" quite a lot of my movies without asking permission, especially since I tend to own a lot of carttons/kids' movies.

I just thought of an interesting question for ask me anything

Meanwhile I've gotten a lot of dolls finished this weekend, but three still need underwear. I can't just let 'em "feel the breeze"! It's one of those quirks of human nature that one of the first things most people do when they pick up a doll is peek under its skirt!

Funny cats

2006-05-29T13:20:00.000+01:00

You know you're a redneck when...

2006-04-28T22:23:00.000+01:00

If any of these describe you, you're a redneck!
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality fun redneck entertainment.

Fewer than half of your cars run.

Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.

The primary color of your car is "bondo".

You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Your family tree doesn't fork.

Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.

You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.

Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.

You've ever used lard in bed.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

You prominently display a gifts bought at Graceland.

You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.

The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

You think that Don Perignon is a Mafia leader.

The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"

You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

You've ever used a weed eater indoors.

You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).

You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels.

You've ever financed a tattoo.

You go to your family reunion to meet women.

Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.

You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.

You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You've been too drunk to fish.

You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".

You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.

The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

Someone in your family says "Cum'n here an' lookit this afore I flush it."

Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

You mow your lawn and find a car.

If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.

Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

You've ever yelled "Rock the house Bubba!" during a piano recital.

You were taught to put your underwear on yellow in front, brown behind.

You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.